Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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