it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
