were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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