is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
