Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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