once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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