You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Those nachos came to me in a dream
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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