I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
