You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
