I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
it's like heaven, but drunker
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
