Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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