The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
