My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
