and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
