After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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