I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
