Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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