She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
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The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
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Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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