I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
