she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
