Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
