I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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