apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
