Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
