i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
