If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
