I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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