We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
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fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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