I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
