OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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