maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
