last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
