highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
