fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
