I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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