I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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