He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
