Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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