Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think I won the penis lottery.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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