look no pants
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
