I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
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I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
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Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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