Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
