Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
