The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Is it penis luge time yet?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
