At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
