There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
