summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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