I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
