Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
