I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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