Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
