just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
