Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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