I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
