Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
