my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
