hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
