Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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