she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
