She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize