I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i permit you to call me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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