If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
