just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
